Russian Senators Triumphant in Struggle for Democracy

Russian Senators Hard at Work in the Struggle for Democracy

In a surprise vote on Monday, Senators in Russia's Federation Council overcame tremendous odds to extend democracy in what many Russia-watchers called a crucial vote to extend the president's term in office from four to six years.

Democracy has been a strong tradition in Russia for hundreds of years, but it had been threatened as undemocratic restrictions mounted on the democratic power of the democratically elected president. Monday's vote, however, in true Tocquevillian spirit, put an end to this struggle by increasing the amount of democracy in Russia by exactly 50%.

"We were worried," said Senator Semen Sukin from the Russian region of Blyadovskaya Oblast. "We feared that the secret police or the army might seek to intervene and curtail the growth of democracy in Russia as they have done in the past." Instead, he noted, the people's will found its voice in the actions of their elected representatives, overcame strong opposition from undemocratic elements in society and forced the country into a new era of freedom and justice for all.

Russia Uncovers Involvement of American Mercenaries in Georgian War

American and Japanese mercenaries in training for the Georgian conflict

Russia's top investigator claimed that he had evidence that individual mercenaries from several NATO countries, including the United States, fought against the Russians in the war in Georgia last August.

The mercenaries allegedly participated in several high-risk operations against Russian servicemen, including at least one no-holds-barred cage match in the mountains of Ossetia.

"The sonic booms of the American fighters were formidable," said the investigator. "But the mighty bear hugs and spinning pile-drivers executed by our glorious servicemen were too much for them. We'll see if those hired thugs can hurricane-kick their way out of the GULag!"

Medvedev's Disguise Goes Horribly Awry

President Putin Medvedev after being arrested by police in Cincinnati

The high-tech disguise that has been protecting Russian President Dimitry Medvedev since mid-summer failed spectacularly on Sunday, causing Mr. Medvedev to lose mental and physical control of himself. According to preliminary reports, he disappeared from the Kremlin early Sunday morning, only to show up on the outskirts of Cincinnati in the guise of a large African-American woman in a cow suit.

The Cincinnati Police Department told reporters this morning that Mr. Medvedev "was chasing children in the 3100 block of Wilbraham, while wearing the cow costume early Monday evening. Medvedev also urinated on a neighbor's front porch."

The State Department has issued no statement as yet, but is actively involved in repatriating Mr. Medvedev in a quick and orderly manner. The cow suit disguise will be retained by the United States for analysis by the intelligence community.

Palin on Putin

From the DailyKos.

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To Defeat Western Spies, Medvedev Employs Camo

Russian President Dimitry Medvedev employs an ingenious disguise in a meeting with Venezuela's Hugo Chavez

It has been difficult for Western journalist-spies to get a fix on Russia's new president, Dimitry Medvedev, during the past few weeks. Things have been tougher still for the legions of screaming fans that typically greet the charismatic leader's public appearances. Recently, however, sources at the State Department have offered an explanation.

"We have determined through a back-channel link to the FSB that President Medvedev has been using an extremely sophisticated form of camouflage when he appears in public," said one senior official, who asked that his name be withheld. "It seems that, in light of the intense public pressure on Mr. Medvedev, as well as a series of recent threats aimed at 'Russia's most powerful man,' he has disguised himself as a little known former politician by the name of Vladimir Putin."

"Thus," said another source at the CIA, "when it seemed during the recent crisis in Georgia that this small, balding, nondescript man with an ill-at-ease smile on his face, this Putin, was making tactical decisions and giving press briefings, it was, in fact, President Medvedev all along."

Though the connections between Russia's powerful, independent-minded leader and his patsy are uncertain at best, one analyst was able to determine that they are both from the city of St. Petersburg, and that both graduated from the legal department of the State University there. Rumors, however, that both men worked for a time at the same marionette theater in Moscow have thus far gone unconfirmed.

While President Medvedev's security measures are certainly the most elaborate scheme known today, rumors persist that North Korea's Kim Jong Il has actually mastered a futuristic technology that allows him to go months at a time without being seen. There was also some thought that the Americans were pursuing similar research for President George W. Bush, who had seemingly disappeared for several weeks this summer and early fall; it turns out, however, that he was simply lost in a White House sub-basement while looking for a soda machine.

Stay tuned for more details on these developments as they surface...

Pyongyang 'Linked to Shaft, Karate Kid'

Karate Kid Ralph Machio has also allegedly been implicated in the scandal

Over the weekend, disturbing allegations surfaced which stated that North Korea may have trained a series of pop culture icons from the 1970s and 1980s, including Shaft, the Karate Kid and possibly Blackula, as its agents and assassins. This follows news that Pyongyang previously attempted to subvert the International Taekwondo Federation in an effort to train its members as spies.

No one is certain how far the specter spread, though initial reports from the Defense Intelligence Agency allege that even things as seemingly all-American as the Disco music craze of the late 1970s may actually have been an attempt by North Korea to distract and overthrow the West.

"Kim Jong Il is known to be a huge fan of platform shoes and jumpsuits," said one DIA officer on the condition of anonymity. "The theory is that he and his media henchmen, like Shaft, popularized ridiculous fashions like puffed out hair, bell-bottoms and platforms among Western soldiers, so that the Taekwondo assassins could literally catch them off balance and neutralize them."

Unconfirmed reports also indicate that some early Nintendo games, programmed by North Korean agents posing as employees of the video game giant, were also used to ensnare and indoctrinate new agents and to teach them fighting skills and jungle insurgency tactics.

Dictator Poetry Slam I

Guns roar in Georgia,
But sneaky me slinks,
A dictator mouse.
-A. Lukashenko

McCain: Putin Impregnated VP-Candidate's Daughter

Family of Vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin. Bristol Palin on right.

Republican Presidential Candidate John McCain hinted to reporters today that Russian manly-man and Prime Minister Vladimir Putin had, in fact, impregnated the 17-year-old daughter of McCain's running mate, Sarah Palin.

McCain held a press conference earlier, in which he stated that "we know there were a lot of Russians in Alaska ... but instructors, teachers and personnel for military weapons should be on firing ranges and in the teaching centres -- but where were they? They were in Bristol Palin's bedroom! And that pushes one to the conclusion that the leadership of the Russian Federation knew about the action that was being prepared and moreover probably took part in it."

Though Moscow has, at this point, dismissed these allegations as "patently false", the Kremlin did note that Mr. Putin is an "especially virile man who, on many occasions, has killed tigers and flown in fighter planes--all of which are known to have an immensely persuasive effect on all women everywhere."

Alina Kabaeva could not be reached for comment.

Moscow Recognizes Rebel Georgian Region

Members of the rebel Georgian militia forces celebrate their recognition

Through a fluke of language, Moscow seems to have mistakenly granted diplomatic recognition to the secessionist county of Catoosa in the American state of Georgia, according to Jim Mahoney, President of the rebel Catoosan government.

"As gawd as mah witness, we ah free at lay-ast!" intoned Mr. Mahoney. "We never stopped fighting the war," he continued, referring to America's civil war of the 1860s. "We swore we would never recognize the Yankee government in Washington, and now, thanks to our Russian friends, the Possum Republic of Catoosa is a legitimate, independent country!"

Though the depth and duration of Russia's ties to the rebel governments is not clear, the implications for this move are vast. Axis sources in the FBI indicated that the Bureau has assigned several key counter-terrorism agents to drag races, tractor pulls, Garth Brooks concerts and other hot-spots of secessionist rhetoric in the Southern United States. In Washington, following news of the incident Senator Olympia Snowe of Maine introduced legislation banning the mullet as a "sign of secessionist sympathies."

Most analysts, however, feel that this arrangement will be short-lived, mainly because of communication difficulties between Moscow and and the rebel government in Possum Springs Junction, the capital of the newly independent Republic.

"I think the full picture became clear for me when I saw the first meeting between Putin and rebel Foreign Minister Larry the Cable Guy," said Carnegie Endowment senior fellow Michael McFaul. "Foreign Minister Guy was dressed in an all-denim suit, and kept insisting that Mr. Putin 'Git 'er dun!'."

"Missing Link" Found in Kremlin

An artist's rendition of Homo Medvedicus

Russian archeologists announced today that they have discovered a new species of political leader, which they have termed Homo Medvedicus. The find was made during a dig near the Kremlin's West wall.

"This important discovery calls into question all previous hypotheses regarding the evolution of Russian leaders," said Dr. Mikhail Khuyovin of the Russian Academies of Science. "Whereas before we were sure of the line of succession from Homo Rastrelyatis, commonly known as Stalin, to Homo Brovensis, or Brezhnev, to Homo Zamochimvsortirus (Putin), Homo Medvedicus throws a shadow of doubt on our earlier conclusions." Despite this new discovery, scholars were unable to determine the relationship of their new find with previous discoveries such as the so-called "Sechin Man" and a purported human-porcine crossbreed termed Ustinovus Govnyukus.

Homo Medvedicus is described as small in stature, standing almost fully erect with small, beady eyes and an ill-fitting but very expensive suit. Archeologists also believe Homo Medvedicus had the distinct ability to be used as a tool.

Georgian Team Qualifies Last-Minute for Olympic Event

Victory in Defeat: the Georgian team with the Silver Medal in TNA during the 1992 Olympics

Following an intense qualifying round on August 7, just before the Beijing Games were due to open, the Olympic Team from the Republic of Georgia was able to enter another event: Total National Annihilation at the Hands of Marauding Russian Troops, commonly known as TNA.

Sports fans may remember that Georgian athletes have competed successfully in this event in the past. At the 1992 and 1994 Games, Georgia received the silver and bronze medals respectively in the event.

Many sports writers, however, give Georgia much better odds for this year's event. "Georgia has an excellent chance of winning Gold in Total National Annihilation this year," said NBC Sports Commentator Marv Albert. "Its athletes did an excellent job in the qualifying round, showing great skill at egging on the Russians--a key step in achieving the massive response necessary to win the event. They may even break some of the records set by the Hungarian and Afghan teams in 1956 and 1979!"

Georgia's Defense Minister and National TNA Team Coach, Davit Kezerashvili, also had high hopes for victory in Total National Annihilation, citing the team's extensive training regime over the past years, as well as the commitment of individual team members. "We're a strong team this year," he said to reporters during a press conference late yesterday. "We feel confident in this event."

Also sure to be a factor is the lack of other strong competitors this year, with the Chechen team, long a front-runner in the event, having faded since the last Olympics.

Doctors: President-for-Life of Turkmenistan Still Dead

Saparmurat Niyazov

The late President-for-Life of Turkmenistan, Saparmurat Niyazov, was declared "still dead" by his doctors during a routine physical examination on Tuesday.

Aids to Mr. Niyazov, also known as the Turkmenbashi, or Father of All Turkmen, were quick to note that "this demonstrates Turkmenbashi's greatness, in that during these times of serious global upheaval he has continued to hold the same position on the issues that he did a year ago."

Though some opposition figures are quick to point out that this position is generally of a horizontal, subterranean nature, they are also forced to admit that Turkmenbashi is doing a better job of governing now than ever before.

Putin Continues to Pad Resume

Vladimir Putin

Russian Prime Minister and Prime Minister of the Alliance of Belarus and Russia Vladimir Putin continued to add to his list of titles Wednesday when it was announced that he would become the sovereign ruler of The Kingdom of Nawu, effective June 1 of this year.


King Clethu IV of Nawu surveys his realm

Nawu, a vast, imaginary realm of dragons and castles that spans the basements, attics and environs of three houses on a suburban cul-de-saq in Cherry Hill, New Jersey, was previously the sole domain of King Clethu IV (aka Brian Mitchel, age 9), Princess Laycombob (Julie Simmons, 9) and the Dark Night [sic], a mysterious character shrouded in the mists of time and rumored to be none other than Jonny DuBois, age 6.

How exactly Mr. Putin came to add Nawu to his sphere of influence is unclear, though insiders claim that he was able to best the Dark Night in the Kingdom's most feared and awesome spectacle, known as "the stomach bugle." The two rivals squared off for hours of struggle, but in the last round Mr. Putin was apparently able to finally make the Night squeal with laughter, having worn down his resolve through repeated barrages of blows to the stomach.

Heavily armed Russian peacekeeping forces, including several tank divisions and two wings of attack helicopters, have already occupied the demilitarized zone in the basement of King Clethu IV's residence at 1675 Oak Circle and are expected to begin patrolling the full territory of Nawu next week.

Vini Vidi Vici

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FSB Deploys New Weapon in Fight Against Political Extremism

The FSB's new weapon thrusting powerfully at another enemy of the people

Russia's massive organ of state security, the FSB, announced Monday that it has deployed a long-rumored secret weapon against terrorists and other enemies of the people. The Axis has obtained video footage of the weapon, dubbed "Vanka-Vstanka", in action against Garry Kasparov, a dangerous political mastermind whose following is said to number in the high tens.

"It's a great weapon and a powerful tool for justice!" ejaculated a member of the security organ's purple-helmeted elite anti-terror force. "It stands proud as a strong, pulsating presence of law and order. Not to mention the fact that it's almost an exact copy of Russia's Fifth Federal District. Now that's patriotism! Stand, remove your purple helmet and salute!"

Analysts from Jane's Defense Weekly have been speculating for months about the existence of a new Russian anti-terror weapon. "One of our sources initially described it as long, hard and full of seamen, so naturally we thought it was a submarine," said John Holmes, a senior researcher who has spent a great deal of time digging through Jane's massive annals for more information on this device. "We were pleasantly surprised, however, when we saw the weapon take form, stand under its own power and take flight. The tri-directional vibrate function also gave us much pleasure."

In a related story, the producers of Austin Powers 3: The Spy Who Shagged Me have filed suit in international court against the FSB, claiming that the design for the new weapon was derived from ideas originally presented in the film. The big security organ has yet to comment on the matter.